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I know I miss out on a bucketload of chuckles cos I don’t look any further than 4 pages back on my dash but fuck, I need a life people.

I need to go outside & look at stupid people to make fun of. I need to find people willing to give me money. Or a job. I would like to get laid again some time soon. I need to visit my dealer friends. There’s a kickass music store like 3 blocks from my house that I haven’t visited in well over a month. McDonald’s doesn’t deliver. Plus I need time to let the hentai clips pile up in my inbox (yeah, you can stop sending links now you-know-who-you-are)




So stop being so damn awesome & making me miss your inherent radness. It’s annoying cos I don’t get the in-jokes & smartass little references anymore.

I’ve been listening to Tom Jones

For about 6 hours. Not full albums or anything (I don’t know one person under 50 who owns an actual in-the-flesh TJ album) Just 7 or 8 songs. Over & over. And it only took about half a minute to realise that Tom Jones really is one hellova sexy beast.


Then that I discovered that Tom Jones is motherfucking 70 years old






So fuck you Tom Jones. Really wouldn’t surprise me that all the nana gash you’ve wrangled over the last half century has given you some kind of weirdass semi-immortality. Kinda like the Keith Richards of the nana gash world.

When I grow up, I wanna be a carny.

When I grow up, I wanna be a carny.

"I had the same chick break up with me twice in the past three days and I had no idea we were going out."

Towelie (via thetowel)


Least she likes you. Me she’s gonna go all Hitchcock on & stab my ass in the shower.


I gotta bad feelin’ bout this….. No, really. This chick is all kindsa batshit.

Chances are I look a lot like Beth Ditto while naked. And I’m actually pretty okay with that.
But fuck, I really wish I could still dye my hair ridiculous colours. *sigh*

Chances are I look a lot like Beth Ditto while naked. And I’m actually pretty okay with that.

But fuck, I really wish I could still dye my hair ridiculous colours. *sigh*

I really can’t bake cakes for shit

And it’s really fucking annoying.



nedhepburn:

Amoeba Records, Sunset Blvd. Hollywood CA.

 They really need to have some sort of regulated time limit here where every hour you’re forced to grab some water, eat a cookie or at least, go outside & get some fresh air. Cos last time I noticed people frowned on leaving your kids/pets/elderly relatives in the car while you spent 4 hours crawling around on the floor searching for 80’s hardcore bootlegs.

nedhepburn:

Amoeba Records, Sunset Blvd. Hollywood CA.

 They really need to have some sort of regulated time limit here where every hour you’re forced to grab some water, eat a cookie or at least, go outside & get some fresh air. Cos last time I noticed people frowned on leaving your kids/pets/elderly relatives in the car while you spent 4 hours crawling around on the floor searching for 80’s hardcore bootlegs.

Things I have learnt tonight

As a woman, apparently I don’t have enough testostorone in my urine to ward off predatory animals.

So that’s why the ridiculously proportioned blonde girl always dies first in all those monster-in-the-woods movies. If she only got all the drunken frat boys to give her a recycled Budweiser shower she wouldn’t have ended up working her way through a bear’s digestive system.


What’s that? That’s not a monster movie that’s German porn? Either way - Girl alone in the woods? Yeah, you’re kinda fucked.

Dear uterus,

I hate you. Really. And don’t start that doe-eyed innocent “nuturer of life” bullshit either. You’re a sadistic fucking cocksucker & believe me, if my ability to produce what would surely be some unbelievably awesome spawn didn’t hinge on you, you’d be ending out a hysteretomy in a fucking alcohol filled jar right about now.

You know me by now. I’m not fucking about. Your time will come. Oh yes.



After all, there’s always adoption.



Sincerely,
Me.

I almost bought an iphone today. I ALMOST BECAME A MASSIVE HIPSTER SELLOUT