la dee fuckin da

month

February 2010

6 posts

I know I miss out on a bucketload of chuckles cos...

I need to go outside & look at stupid people to make fun of. I need to find people willing to give me money. Or a job. I would like to get laid again some time soon. I need to visit my dealer friends. There’s a kickass music store like 3 blocks from my house that I haven’t visited in well over a month. McDonald’s doesn’t deliver. Plus I need time to let the hentai clips...

I've been listening to Tom Jones

For about 6 hours. Not full albums or anything (I don’t know one person under 50 who owns an actual in-the-flesh TJ album) Just 7 or 8 songs. Over & over. And it only took about half a minute to realise that Tom Jones really is one hellova sexy beast. Then that I discovered that Tom Jones is motherfucking 70 years old So fuck you Tom Jones. Really wouldn’t surprise me that all...

“I had the same chick break up with me twice in the past three days and I had no...”

– Towelie (via thetowel) Least she likes you. Me she’s gonna go all Hitchcock on & stab my ass in the shower. I gotta bad feelin’ bout this….. No, really. This chick is all kindsa batshit.

I really can't bake cakes for shit

And it’s really fucking annoying.

January 2010

19 posts

Things I have learnt tonight

As a woman, apparently I don’t have enough testostorone in my urine to ward off predatory animals. So that’s why the ridiculously proportioned blonde girl always dies first in all those monster-in-the-woods movies. If she only got all the drunken frat boys to give her a recycled Budweiser shower she wouldn’t have ended up working her way through a bear’s digestive system. ...

I hate you. Really. And don’t start that doe-eyed innocent “nuturer of life” bullshit either. You’re a sadistic fucking cocksucker & believe me, if my ability to produce what would surely be some unbelievably awesome spawn didn’t hinge on you, you’d be ending out a hysteretomy in a fucking alcohol filled jar right about now. You know me by now. I’m...

I almost bought an iphone today. I ALMOST BECAME A MASSIVE HIPSTER SELLOUT

I mowed the lawn today. You should be proud of me.

Now this is not your average, everyday suburban Australian yard. It’s not a particularly big lawn. But it is on a motherfucking slope. Now you wouldn’t think a ‘gentle’ hill covered in grass would turn into such an epic battle of nature vs the human spirit. But since it’s been raining non stop for a week, the grass was up to my knees (I’m not fucking short...

I may have pulled a classic crazy chick move last night. Ja, I had a girly meltdown. Doesn’t happen often but when it does it happens suddenly, without warning & tends to leave a trail of innocents gently singed & scratching their heads & wondering what the holy fuck just happened. Eh. I’m one of those people who likes to keep their shit together & to themselves....

Yeah, I live in a military town. You can tell on account of the fact that every 18 to 25 year old girl in a 20 mile radius is knocked up and/or has a million kids. Well, that and the fact that it’s not uncommon to pull up next to a tank at a red light here. Really. Those things aren’t quite as big as they look. And they’re a lot faster than you’d expect an armoured box of...

Apparently in between "Blowing Shit Up" & "How To...

Clint & I just discovered that my new neighbour is an army dude with two kids under 5, a toddler, a baby & an extremely pregnant young wife. It’s either that or she’s developed a very productive hobby over all the times that he’s been shipped out. Eh. We’d like to start out giving her the benefit of the doubt though. We’re nice like that.

There’s a bat in the tree outside this window. Not one of those cute little flippy flap ones either, this is a huge, screaming, leather winged, glowing eyed prophet of doom. And I’m pretty sure it’s watching me. I’m scared. Hold me.

nedhepburn: I had an allergic reaction to eye drops and now I look like The Crow. Oh man, this wouldve been SO cool in 5th grade. I had an allergic reaction to fuck knows what so now my eyes feel like they’re bleeding, my ears have swollen half closed & my neck no longer exists. For the love of god, MEDICATE ME. Please.

Proof I'm not a contributing member of my...

‘Parently a house nearly burned down three streets away from me. I only found this out by watching the news. Eh. Most my neighbours are old people who bitch about the length of 42’s lawn and how the dude from number 10’s Filipino mail order wife is lowering their property values.

“I still don’t believe you’re 20-fucking-6. You’re like that...”

– Ronnie, the king of unpredictable conversation

indefensible: On my way to Austin in March, I am stopping in Los Angeles for a day or so. Mostly, this is to eat a ton of In n Out burgers. Maybe some Taco Bell also. No trip to In-n-Out Burger is complete without a strawberry shake. My strawberry shake habit is only possible given my ability to eat my own weight in shitty Mexican food. Saying that, Taco Bell really should be renamed...

Welcome to my life. It's just as exciting as it...

Most the time it’s real fucking shitty having long hair. Like this morning in the shower, I was wondering if I could just shave it all off & just make it into a wig. Cos some days my arms simply aren’t fucking long enough to brush down to the ends. See, it’s not that ‘just past your shoulders like a pussy’ long - I don’t do things by fucking halves...

“Excuse me but have you seen my boyfriend? He’s about your height, has a beard,...”

– Come to think of it, he looks suspiciously like thetowel… (via thetowel)

December 2009

21 posts

“I don’t care if we have a million kids; we’re never - NEVER - buying...”

– Someone please hold me to this. Mr P, I’m looking at you.

I am not a good conversationalist

“So what do you do?” “Little bit of this, little bit of that. Mostly I tell stupid people to fuck off.” “………Oh.”

It’s not a smart idea, owning a black car with black leather interior in a place that regularly hits 30+ degrees & averages 320 sunny days per year. Especially if you’re fond of wearing short skirts. If Toyota were experimenting with making airtight, carshaped coffins that have the ability to sear flesh on contact I’d like to congratulate them on their overwhelming success.

Marcia, you’re my friend & I love you. You’re awesome & you actually get me. But if I have to listen to another polynesian/fijian/hawaiian/ any song that features a chick in a grass skirt, I’m gonna snap & start bludgeoning people with coconuts. I’m serious. Do not fuck with me on this.

Happy happy happy

And no I’m not on drugs.

“Pretty sure a good 80% of my body mass is now made up of mushrooms.”

– Yeah. I’m going crazy for mushrooms right now.

I get the distinct impression that I’m being avoided. Maybe it’s in favour of drunken makeouts with girls in bars. Who knows. I certainly don’t.

I am so fucking tired. I'm bored. And I'm missing...

There are days when I think that I’m *this* close to being batshit insane. Plus my hair smells like coconut this morning. That’s gotta count for something, right?

I’m housesitting for friends. For 3 months. It’s a pretty sweet deal, I get to take care of their awesomely fat bulldog & have a cute, quiet place vege out in. All by myself. Well - apart from a comically obese dog. And it’s free. How can this be anything but awesome? They don’t have internet. Think I’m having withdrawls just thinking about it. What am I gonna do...

Let’s set a few things straight 1) I’m in love 2) I’m fucking terrified I’m not terrified about being in love; it’s just right now, I’m just a little bit terrified of losing it. Maybe this says something pretty important about me. I don’t deal with this kinda feeling on an everyday basis. Hell, I’ve never felt this kinda deal before. And fuckit,...

Vaginasaurus Rex

If I ever develop a talent & godforbid, start a shitty band, that’s what I’m callin it

“When life gives you lemons”

– Just say ‘fuck the lemons’ & bail

November 2009

21 posts

It's too fucking hot

So I’m just gonna sit here in my underwear & eat icecubes. Fuck you summer.

C is seeing a girl

And honestly, I’m a little jealous. In the “I don’t want your weiner, I just want time to hang/watch movies/talk shit on retards/do stupid shit with you” category. The minefield of opposite sex friendships. Where everyone just assumes that you’re gonna be hopelessly shattered that the other friend has started a sexual relationship. With someone other than you. Take...