As a woman, apparently I don’t have enough testostorone in my urine to ward off predatory animals.

So that’s why the ridiculously proportioned blonde girl always dies first in all those monster-in-the-woods movies. If she only got all the drunken frat boys to give her a recycled Budweiser shower she wouldn’t have ended up working her way through a bear’s digestive system.


What’s that? That’s not a monster movie that’s German porn? Either way - Girl alone in the woods? Yeah, you’re kinda fucked.