la dee fuckin da

I know I miss out on a bucketload of chuckles cos I don't look any further than 4 pages back on my dash but fuck, I need a life people.

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 19:29:00 +1000

I need to go outside & look at stupid people to make fun of. I need to find people willing to give me money. Or a job. I would like to get laid again some time soon. I need to visit my ~~dealer~~ friends. There’s a kickass music store like 3 blocks from my house that I haven’t visited in well over a month. McDonald’s doesn’t deliver. Plus I need time to let the hentai clips pile up in my inbox (yeah, you can stop sending links now you-know-who-you-are)

So stop being so damn awesome & making me miss your inherent radness. It’s annoying cos I don’t get the in-jokes & smartass little references anymore.

I've been listening to Tom Jones

Sat, 20 Feb 2010 18:09:00 +1000

For about 6 hours. Not full albums or anything (I don’t know one person under 50 who owns an actual in-the-flesh TJ album) Just 7 or 8 songs. Over & over. And it only took about half a minute to realise that Tom Jones really is one hellova sexy beast.

Then that I discovered that Tom Jones is motherfucking 70 years old

So fuck you Tom Jones. Really wouldn’t surprise me that all the nana gash you’ve wrangled over the last half century has given you some kind of weirdass semi-immortality. Kinda like the Keith Richards of the nana gash world.

When I grow up, I wanna be a carny.

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 20:16:12 +1000

When I grow up, I wanna be a carny.

"I had the same chick break up with me twice in the past three days and I had no idea we were going..."

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 10:37:30 +1000

“I had the same chick break up with me twice in the past three days and I had no idea we were going out.”

- Towelie (via thetowel)

Least she likes you. Me she’s gonna go all Hitchcock on & stab my ass in the shower.

I gotta bad feelin’ bout this….. No, really. This chick is all kindsa batshit.

Chances are I look a lot like Beth Ditto while naked. And...

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 23:25:00 +1000

Chances are I look a lot like Beth Ditto while naked. And I’m actually pretty okay with that.

But fuck, I really wish I could still dye my hair ridiculous colours. *sigh*

I really can't bake cakes for shit

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 20:05:55 +1000

And it’s really fucking annoying.

nedhepburn: Amoeba Records, Sunset Blvd. Hollywood CA. They...

Wed, 27 Jan 2010 14:15:26 +1000

nedhepburn:

Amoeba Records, Sunset Blvd. Hollywood CA.

They really need to have some sort of regulated time limit here where every hour you’re forced to grab some water, eat a cookie or at least, go outside & get some fresh air. Cos last time I noticed people frowned on leaving your kids/pets/elderly relatives in the car while you spent 4 hours crawling around on the floor searching for 80’s hardcore bootlegs.

Things I have learnt tonight

Mon, 25 Jan 2010 21:42:55 +1000

As a woman, apparently I don’t have enough testostorone in my urine to ward off predatory animals.

So that’s why the ridiculously proportioned blonde girl always dies first in all those monster-in-the-woods movies. If she only got all the drunken frat boys to give her a recycled Budweiser shower she wouldn’t have ended up working her way through a bear’s digestive system.

What’s that? That’s not a monster movie that’s German porn? Either way - Girl alone in the woods? Yeah, you’re kinda fucked.

Dear uterus,

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 23:44:23 +1000

I hate you. Really. And don’t start that doe-eyed innocent “nuturer of life” bullshit either. You’re a sadistic fucking cocksucker & believe me, if my ability to produce what would surely be some unbelievably awesome spawn didn’t hinge on you, you’d be ending out a hysteretomy in a fucking alcohol filled jar right about now.

You know me by now. I’m not fucking about. Your time will come. Oh yes.

After all, there’s always adoption.

Sincerely,
Me.

I almost bought an iphone today. I ALMOST BECAME A MASSIVE HIPSTER SELLOUT

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:08:28 +1000

I almost bought an iphone today. I ALMOST BECAME A MASSIVE HIPSTER SELLOUT

I mowed the lawn today. You should be proud of me.

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 20:28:00 +1000

Now this is not your average, everyday suburban Australian yard. It’s not a particularly big lawn. But it is on a motherfucking slope. Now you wouldn’t think a ‘gentle’ hill covered in grass would turn into such an epic battle of nature vs the human spirit. But since it’s been raining non stop for a week, the grass was up to my knees (I’m not fucking short either) & is apparently the superhumanly strong variety of green cunting-ness that decides it’s gonna make a stand against generations of lawn mower oppression.

Did I mention that I live in tropical north queensland? The humidity here….. well if you’ve never lived in a tropical climate during a summer wet season you could attempt to describe it by saying it’s like being repeated beaten about the face with a brick. Here, the humity is a solid entitity. It’s a motherfucking wall. Have you ever been hit with a brick wall? Go, try it & get back to me.

And you have to remember, this is me we’re talking about. Me. As anyone who knows me personally will attest to, the mere thought of me behind a lawn mower, or even being outside, is close to being the most ridiculously retarded idea in the history of mankind. I don’t do outside. I do car, office, kitchen, bathroom, bed. Now, I do like gardening - I’m not particularly good at it - but I like it. I also spent an hour weeding the asshole of a studio apartment sized garden today but you don’t hear me bitching about that do you? No.

But I don’t do lawns. Ever. Not on your goddamn fucking life. Fuck that shit. Let the great green bastard win the war. I’ll play Switzerland.

So yeah, you should be fucking proud of this girl. Today I mowed the lawn. Of course afterwards I spent an hour sitting on the floor in my shower but that’s besides the point. The lawn? Motherfucking done.

Feelin a lot like this lately. (via portorock)

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 19:26:38 +1000

Feelin a lot like this lately.

(via portorock)

So.....

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 14:15:00 +1000

I may have pulled a classic crazy chick move last night.

Ja, I had a girly meltdown. Doesn’t happen often but when it does it happens suddenly, without warning & tends to leave a trail of innocents gently singed & scratching their heads & wondering what the holy fuck just happened.

Eh. I’m one of those people who likes to keep their shit together & to themselves. Scratch that; my shit is in an sealed airtight bag that is strapped to my chest & guarded by rabid dogs with head mounted lazer cannons & bees that shoot outta their mouths. It’s hidden. That shit is bottled tight. People rarely - if ever - get a true glimpse of it. Cept the awesome few who sneak through the cracks. Which blows cos of course, they’re the ones who get to deal with the full extent of crazy when shit inevitably overflows.

So in the interest of being less of a total mindfuck basketcase, I’m trying this new ’non emotionally-retarded, well adjusted person’ deal. But like I said, I’m new to this whole, honest, open book shit. Which means instead of customarily quirky, I just come across as GODDAMN THIS CHICK IS BATSHIT MOTHERFUCKING INSANE.

Eh, I’m not gonna go into my deal but shit’s been weird here lately. So dude, I’m really, really sorry. Hug it out?

Yeah, I live in a military town. You can tell on account of the fact that every 18 to 25 year old...

Sat, 09 Jan 2010 15:34:25 +1000

Yeah, I live in a military town. You can tell on account of the fact that every 18 to 25 year old girl in a 20 mile radius is knocked up and/or has a million kids.

Well, that and the fact that it’s not uncommon to pull up next to a tank at a red light here. Really. Those things aren’t quite as big as they look. And they’re a lot faster than you’d expect an armoured box of death to be.

Apparently in between "Blowing Shit Up" & "How To Kill A Man With A Spoon", the army doesn't teach you how to use a rubber.

Sat, 09 Jan 2010 15:23:00 +1000

Clint & I just discovered that my new neighbour is an army dude with two kids under 5, a toddler, a baby & an extremely pregnant young wife.

It’s either that or she’s developed a very productive hobby over all the times that he’s been shipped out. Eh. We’d like to start out giving her the benefit of the doubt though. We’re nice like that.

Woah

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 19:53:02 +1000

There’s a bat in the tree outside this window. Not one of those cute little flippy flap ones either, this is a huge, screaming, leather winged, glowing eyed prophet of doom. And I’m pretty sure it’s watching me.

I’m scared. Hold me.

nedhepburn: I had an allergic reaction to eye drops and now I look like The Crow. Oh man, this...

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 11:51:00 +1000

nedhepburn:

I had an allergic reaction to eye drops and now I look like The Crow.

Oh man, this wouldve been SO cool in 5th grade.

I had an allergic reaction to fuck knows what so now my eyes feel like they’re bleeding, my ears have swollen half closed & my neck no longer exists.

For the love of god, MEDICATE ME. Please.

Proof I'm not a contributing member of my neighbourhood

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 17:57:25 +1000

‘Parently a house nearly burned down three streets away from me. I only found this out by watching the news.

Eh. Most my neighbours are old people who bitch about the length of 42’s lawn and how the dude from number 10’s Filipino mail order wife is lowering their property values.

"I still don’t believe you’re 20-fucking-6. You’re like that movie Big. Cept..."

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:25:00 +1000

“I still don’t believe you’re 20-fucking-6. You’re like that movie Big. Cept you’re a chick, not Tom Hanks.”

- Ronnie, the king of unpredictable conversation

About 3 weeks after I rocked up to work (for a major...

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:19:00 +1000

About 3 weeks after I rocked up to work (for a major international car manufacturer no less) with my chest piercing, my mechanic David decided to outdo me. I think he proved his point with this stunning piece of WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR GODDAMN FACE.

This was a dude who spent his entire workday stealing the wheels off my desk chair (in all 3 of my offices), putting grease on all my doorhandles, taping everything (keyboards, pens, coffee mugs, etc) to my desk with an entire roll of packing tape as well as putting my car on 4 jacks in my parking space - minus all 4 of it’s wheels. In return, I covered his entire car in PostIts. Then taped all his car doors shut so perfectly he couldn’t figure out why they wouldn’t open. Oh yeah, Professionals-R-Us.

Goddamn I loved him. He was the most kickass work friend EVER. He was my baby & I corrupted the shit outta him. I also tattooed one of those stars on his neck. Mine’s the non fucked up one.